Communication is Key: Speaking the New Language of Adulthood
Once you’ve embraced the mental shift from parent to peer, the next step is to update your communication software. The ways you spoke to your child when they were ten or fifteen are likely unhelpful, and possibly harmful, when they are thirty or forty. The new language of your relationship should be built on a foundation of listening, asking, and validating, rather than telling, directing, and fixing.
From Directives to Dialogue
One of the most common problems with adult children is the parent’s continued reliance on unsolicited advice. What feels like helpful guidance to you can feel like a vote of no-confidence to them. It can imply that you don’t trust them to manage their own career, finances, or relationships. A more effective approach is to transition from giving answers to asking questions. Instead of saying, “You should really start saving more for retirement,” try asking, “How are you feeling about your long-term financial goals?” This opens a dialogue rather than delivering a lecture. It positions you as a curious and supportive sounding board, not a manager.
Active listening becomes your most powerful tool. When your adult child shares a problem, resist the immediate urge to jump in with solutions. First, listen to understand. Reflect back what you hear to ensure you’ve got it right: “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed at work because your boss isn’t giving you clear direction.” This simple act of validation can be more valuable than any piece of advice. It shows your child that you hear them and respect their feelings, which builds the trust necessary for them to ask for your opinion when they are ready.
Navigating Difficult Conversations
Tough topics are inevitable in any long-term relationship. Discussing a partner you have reservations about, a career path that seems unstable, or lifestyle choices that worry you requires immense tact. The key is to frame your concerns around your own feelings, using “I” statements, rather than making accusations or judgments about them. For example, instead of, “Your partner is lazy and doesn’t treat you right,” a more constructive approach might be, “I feel worried when I see you taking on so much of the household and financial responsibility. I care about your happiness.”
The actor Will Smith has been notably public about his evolving parenting philosophy, particularly with his son Jaden. In his 2021 memoir, “Will,” and in various interviews, he discusses his journey from a more authoritative parenting style to one of empowerment and trust. He has spoken about learning to let his children take the lead on their own lives, even when their choices were unconventional. He famously described his approach as wanting his children to feel like they have “the keys to their own lives.” This public reflection on a personal parenting evolution illustrates the conscious effort it takes to change communication patterns and build a relationship based on trust in an adult child’s judgment.
Ultimately, successful communication with adult children is about respecting their autonomy. You can express your opinion once, clearly and kindly, but then you must respect their right to make a different choice. Continuing to bring it up or saying “I told you so” if things go wrong will only erode trust and create distance. The goal is to keep the lines of communication open, so they feel safe coming to you regardless of the situation, not just when they’ve done something you approve of.
