Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How long does affair recovery take?
There is no standard timeline, and healing is not a linear process. Most experts agree that it takes a minimum of 18 to 24 months of active, intentional work to navigate the major stages of recovery. There will be good days and bad days, periods of progress and painful setbacks. Be patient with the process and with each other. Rushing healing is impossible.
What if I keep having flashbacks or intrusive thoughts?
This is an incredibly common and distressing experience. The discovery of an affair is a significant trauma, and your brain is trying to process it. Flashbacks, nightmares, and obsessive thoughts are symptoms of this trauma. Individual therapy can be extremely helpful. Modalities like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) are specifically designed to help people process trauma. Grounding techniques, such as focusing on your five senses in a moment of panic, can also provide immediate relief. For more information on trauma and mental health, you can consult resources from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).
Should we tell our family or children?
This is a deeply personal decision that should be made together, with extreme caution. As a general rule, it’s wise to keep the circle of knowledge as small as possible. Involving family can create allegiances and long-term resentments that make reconciliation much more difficult. It is almost never appropriate to share details of parental infidelity with children, as it forces them to carry an adult burden they are not equipped to handle. If you must share information, a family therapist can help you script a conversation that protects your children’s emotional well-being.
My partner won’t take full responsibility and keeps blaming me. What now?
This is a major red flag. Successful affair recovery is impossible without the unfaithful partner taking 100% responsibility for their choice to have an affair. If your partner continues to deflect, blame-shift, or minimize your pain, the foundation for rebuilding trust does not exist. At this point, your focus must shift from “how do we fix this?” to “how do I protect myself and make the best decision for my future?” An individual therapist can help you navigate this difficult realization and decide on your next steps.
The information provided in this article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental health concern. If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency services. For support with intimate partner violence in the U.S., contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website.
The road after infidelity is a journey of a thousand painful steps, but it does not have to be a journey without hope. The path requires radical ownership from the person who strayed and profound courage from the person who was betrayed. It demands a commitment to building something new from the rubble of what was lost.
Your first step today does not need to be a giant leap. It can be small. Perhaps it is finding a therapist for yourself. Perhaps it is scheduling a 20-minute weekly check-in, using the script provided here. Or perhaps it is simply taking five deep breaths and acknowledging the depth of your own pain and strength. Whatever you choose, know that by seeking guidance, you have already taken a powerful step toward healing.
