How to know if you’re flirting without realizing it

Has your partner nudged you about it? Is the dopamine rush getting to your head? Maybe your true intentions regarding that one work colleague are not aligned with what you’re showing on the outside?

Here is a comprehensive guide to help you distinguish flirtiness from niceness…

You will ideally want to read and do an imagination exercise to accurately reflect on your outside behavior. Keep in mind that context and mood will play an important role in how you would interpret these signs.

While there is no straightforward right or wrong when it comes to dear heart matters, let’s buckle in and bring you more mind clarity.

Imagine you’re out and about with a good friend, having a drink and chatting. Do you catch yourself wondering, ”Am I unintentionally flirty here? I wouldn’t want this person to see it that way.” And sometimes this is more than just an intrusive thought. You notice patterns and frequency to your niceness acts.

What might happen, you ask? Crossing a few unspoken boundaries here and there can give the impression of flirting. But you’re here, and that means you’re open-minded and ready to tackle this in the right way.

No matter what, you don’t need to turn those vibes off! I urge you to be exactly who you are and how you like to be in your social circles. This piece of advice is not meant to diminish your light but to calm your mind and settle concerns. Let’s get to digging!

1. Changing your body language can be perceived as flirting

The most powerful language is the one that isn’t spoken…

What? You don’t even have to use words to be perceived as flirting? 

Remember about good old context? That includes non-verbal communication such as body language. It is essential for interactions of any kind, but it can also be deceiving sometimes.

Despite popular interpretations and infinite books on body language that are making an attempt at explaining masculine and feminine body language meanings, intuition by means of lived experience is your best friend here. Your gut can take you further than quickly grabbing that commercial tacky bestseller off the self-development and (pseudo)psychology shelf.

As a woman, changing your voice tone in conversation can become a good indicator of flirting. And as a man, touching the other person’s arm is the equivalent of that.

Other ideas and signs to look out for include holding long eye contact, never crossing arms or legs while interacting, and physically leaning in. Always keep in mind when approaching these body language signs that we’re doing the exact opposite of cherry-picking, okay? See the consistency in the acts? Or does it rarely happen?

2. Often being called ‘a flirt’ can be enough to realize you’re literally flirting

Often being called ‘a flirt’ is a good indicator that you’re literally flirting if it comes from your honest and close social circle persons. We’re talking home buddies, close colleagues, and other boyfriends you may have.

On the other hand, this may not be such a clear indicator if it comes from a crush or date, so proceed with caution.

You’re just being nice, right? But people see it differently for a good reason.

Accidental flirting happens when you overuse cheesy pick-up lines or cheeky banter. Combine this with a flirting body language, and you might even make someone feel uncomfortable!

If you’re often being called ‘a flirt’ and it comes out as genuine, I urgently suggest you keep your words in check.

3. Having awkward and forced conversations that involve feelings may give the impression that you are indeed emotional and flirting

Most of these cases happen between best friends. You’re so close and checked in to each other’s feelings that talking about it without keeping in mind some basic boundaries can be perceived as flirting.

I believe you; you have no romantic intentions with your best friend whatsoever. But the people watching the magnetic two of you talk might think otherwise. Or maybe you have a flirty personality. Maybe they have it too! But you’re just a bestie duo!

If your close friend has been led on by perceived flirting, you might have had conversations about feelings and emotions. You’ve tried explaining yourself, but it maybe came out awkward and forced.

Talking things out is exactly what you should do and a great solution for the moment, but repeating this pattern may be a good indicator that your unintentional flirting is taking place in other contexts in your life as well.

4. Being asked for flirting advice means you’re more often than not seen as flirting

Advice is great until you need one too!

Notice lots of people asking you for your pro tips and skills on flirting? They might be on to something!

‘What’s the secret? How do I do it just like you do?’

In fact, you like it when you’re asked for flirting advice. The smooth talking, the blushes, the gestures. You find it super handy on dates and hookups, but most probably it’s exhausting to be viciously known as a flirting guru…

If this sounds more or less accurate, you’ve bagged yourself another good indicator that you’re doing lots of accidental flirting.

5. Trying not to be flirty is perceived as being rude

You’ve tried to tone it down. In order not to be perceived as flirting, you’ve tried to hold your horses, but it’s only perceived as rude now.

Your charming replies are now dull texts or one-liners. The extreme transition quickly caught your people’s attention. Since they’ve always known you like this, now your friends view you as uninterested, flat, or rude.

This can be an incredibly harsh dynamic. Being afraid to not sound flirty combined with now sounding rude. The struggle to balance your words and behavior is straining, and friends don’t seem to be fine with it this other opposite way either!

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, don’t be a red flag and tattoo ‘I’m not flirty or rude’ on your body! I’m joking, but seriously have a talk and inform those around you that you’re working on your naturally flirty personality.

6. Ending up with broken friendships as a direct cause of … flirting

Seems like your friends were struck by Cupid’s arrow when all you wanted was to be friendly and nice.

This is unluckily when your little charm problem can affect your daily life and relationships. If this sounds like what you’re possibly dealing with, it’s a major indicator that you need professional support to navigate your accidental flirting issue.

Have you maybe ruined a couple of great friendships because of being perceived as flirting? A lot of variables may be involved here, like that one friend’s girlfriend who noticed something in you. Take a moment to analyze your own contexts. This can be productive for your self-work in case you decide to open it up to a therapist.

7. Constantly having an ‘oops’ moment in social situations

What if > oops

It’s a sticky situation of saying things out loud and then being like, “Oops, I didn’t mean it that way!”

Being natural and spontaneous is most definitely the secure way of engaging with people and friends. But carelessly throwing words around with no filter can give you a good sign that you’re doing lots of accidental flirting.

As a qualified psychologist, I can recommend you look into ways you’re communicating with others AND yourself. A communication theory called styles of communication can be a great start in fixing the problem. Spend some time asking yourself the following:

• What are my intentions with this person?
• Do I know where to draw the line?
• Is the dopamine rush getting to my head?

Take your answers to your specialist to find out if:

• You’re not sure how to describe intentions or feelings with this person
• You’re wanting to learn more about interpersonal boundaries
• You’re dependent on that dopamine rush in your interactions

Interested to learn more about the others’ experiences? Let us know what you think down below in the comments.

Have you found this useful? Continue reading 5 Signs a Narcissistic Wife Is Emotionally Abandoning You.