If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. What are the different types of abuse, and how do we recognize them?

Disagreements and small fights are normal in any relationship, especially if you have been together for many years and have experienced different life stages together. But when you fight all the time and begin to form a pattern, it might be a sign that something might be wrong, and your partner may have abusive behavior. 

Knowing if you are in an abusive relationship is not that easy. Not all abusive relationships are physically violent. In fact, the most common form of abuse in love relationships is emotional and verbal abuse. That can be hard to recognize, mainly because it is usually perceived as an intense form of love and devotion. Many times, an abusive relationship seems incredibly passionate and romantic, but in time, it all becomes about manipulation, power, control, and cruelty. 

How do we recognize an abusive relationship?

Every situation is different, but some common elements may indicate an unhealthy relationship. Knowing how to recognize these red flags and not trying to find excuses for your partner’s behavior is an essential first step. Here are the six types of abuse and some of the signs to help you identify them:

1. Physical abuse

By definition, physical abuse refers to any deliberate and unwanted physical contact with you or something near your body, as well as any actions aimed at inflicting injury, disability, or even death on you. It’s the first type of domestic abuse that people observe because it is the most visible.

This type of abuse is a way for the perpetrator to gain control over their victim. It is illegal and punishable by law. Examples of physical abuse include: 

• Punching, slapping, hitting, pinching, kicking, scratching, biting, strangling or choking.
• Throwing objects at you
• Pulling your hair or your clothing.
• Spitting at you or near you.
• Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
• Using objects as weapons to attack or hurt you.

If you or someone you know is in this situation, the first and most important thing to remember is that the abusive behavior is wrong and is never the victim’s fault. Everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship and to be loved and respected.  

An abuser might use excuses such as, ‘I didn’t mean it,’ ‘I was having a bad day,’ or ‘It only happened once’ to rationalize their abusive actions. Unfortunately, victims tend to believe them because of the ongoing manipulation and don’t know how to get out of the relationship.

2. Emotional and verbal abuse 

Emotional abuse contains non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, monitoring or “checking in,” and excessive texting to control, isolate, humiliate, or frighten someone. These behaviors are more challenging to identify, considering it does not cause physical harm, but it is just as severe and damaging as any other type of abuse. 

Frequent criticism, being told you’re not enough, or feeling unsure about your reality can lead to a loss of self-confidence and diminished self-esteem that can impact your life for many years. In time, most cases of emotional and verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse. Because of low self-esteem due to emotional exploitation, victims tend to blame themselves for their abuser’s behavior and don’t take action against it. 

Emotional and verbal abuse may look like:

• Screaming and shouting at you.
• Teasing, labeling with offensive names, or using unkind language. 
• Withholding conversation and kindness or pouting until specific desires are met.
• Gaslighting to make you question your sanity. 
• Threatening to destroy something, harm you, or take their own life. 
• Threatening to report you to the police, social services, or mental health professionals if you don’t comply with their demands. 
• Saying they’re sorry and claiming it isn’t abuse.
• Saying that you deserve or provoke the abuse.

Keep in mind that emotional abuse is never your responsibility. Talk to someone you trust, such as a close friend, family member, or mentor, and create a safety plan.

3. Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse occurs when one partner dominates the physical and sexual aspects of a relationship, often through non-consensual and coercive actions. It is not consent if the victim agrees to something out of fear or because they have been pressured into it.

Typically, physical abuse and sexual abuse occur together in dysfunctional relationships, but this is not always the case. Physical resistance may increase the likelihood of further abuse, and the belief that not resisting signifies consent complicates matters for survivors who are trying to report the abuse.

Examples of sexual abuse include:

• Kissing or touching that is not wanted.
• Unwelcome, aggressive sexual behavior.
• Restricting access to protection for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and birth control.
• Engaging in sexual activity with an individual who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, unconscious, asleep, or otherwise incapable of providing clear and informed consent.
• Coercing, intimidating, or compelling someone to engage in sexual activity or acts.

The majority of sexual assault victims know or are familiar with their assailants, and individuals of any gender or sexuality can be both victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse. Everyone is responsible for understanding consent and communicating while honoring our partners’ boundaries in intimacy, without exception.

4. Financial abuse

Financial abuse is often less noticeable than other types of abuse, yet it can be equally damaging. It typically occurs alongside emotional or physical abuse. If you lack control over your finances or if your partner has accessed your bank account without permission, leaving an abusive relationship can feel particularly frightening.

Financial abuse is a form of coercive control that includes a series of manipulative, threatening, and demeaning actions linked to money and economic matters. The abuser utilizes finances to limit their partner’s autonomy. Some examples of economic abuse are:

• Managing all household finances while keeping financial details private. 
• Going into debt under your name, sometimes without your knowledge.  
• Preventing you from participating in work, education, or training. 
• Exercising control over expenses, reviewing receipts, and ensuring everything is registered in their name.

5. Digital abuse

Digital abuse involves using technology and the internet. The abuser will try to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate their partner through texting and social media. Typically, this behavior manifests as a form of verbal or emotional abuse occurring in the online space.

As our homes become increasingly intelligent, this form of abuse is becoming more prevalent. Abusers may exploit smart home technology for surveillance and control. This could include adjusting thermostats to change temperatures, turning lights or speakers on and off through an app, or watching people via security cameras. It could also involve cyberstalking, which consists of sending persistent harassing messages. 

Digital or tech abuse can look like :

• Keep an eye on your social media.  
• Accessing your phone, email, or social media accounts can be intrusive, and you deserve privacy.  
• Accessing your online banking. 
• Limit your access to technology.
• Sharing intimate photos of you online.  
• Using cameras or surveillance tools to monitor or listen to your conversations. 
• Using GPS locators or tracking apps on your phone to track your location. 
• Constantly reaching out via text messages, phone calls, emails, or social media. 
• Using smart home gadgets to harass you.

You do not deserve mistreatment, whether online or in person. You are never obligated to share your passwords. Sending explicit photos, videos, or messages may lead to legal repercussions, so never succumb to pressure to do so. Steer clear of any contact with your abuser through any means—be it online or face-to-face. If the harassment continues, think about changing your phone number.

6. Stalking

Stalking happens when an individual continually observes, trails, or intimidates you, making you feel afraid or unsafe. A stalker might be an acquaintance, an ex-partner, or a stranger. 

Although the legal definition of stalking differs by state, typical examples of stalking behaviors involve:

• Arriving at your home or workplace without prior notice or invitation.
• Receiving unsolicited texts, messages, letters, emails, or voicemails.
• Receiving unwanted items, gifts, or flowers for you.
• Repeatedly calling and hanging up or making unwanted phone calls to you, your employer, a professor, or a loved one.
• Using social media or technology to monitor your activities.
• Disseminating gossip about you, whether online or face-to-face.
• Lingering in locations where you spend your time.

Being stalked can cause significant stress, vulnerability, anxiety, and a range of other difficult emotions that might be hard to articulate at the moment, ultimately impacting your quality of life.

If you feel threatened, contact an emergency service provider to help you escape. You should also consider securing a protection order to keep your stalker away.

I want you to know that offenders are solely accountable for their actions. It is extremely important to have support to examine your choices properly. You deserve a compassionate and healthy relationship where you don’t feel confined.   

A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place centered on support, freedom, happiness, and consent. If you feel like there is any kind of abuse in your relationship, it is better to get out of it as soon as possible. 

To learn more about abuse and ways to recover, consider the therapist-recommended book by Linda Hill titled “Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD,” available on Amazon. 

You may also be interested in reading 5 Signs You’re in a Relationship With a Gaslighter.