Your Next Step: The 20-Minute Weekly Check-In
Reading about friendship is one thing; practicing it is another. The single most effective action you can take to start cultivating your marriage friendship is to implement a simple, structured, weekly check-in. This is not a time to solve problems or have a fight. It is a dedicated space for appreciation, connection, and minor course corrections.
Put it on your calendar like any other important appointment. Protect this time. For 20 minutes, put your phones away, turn off the TV, and give each other your undivided attention.
Follow this simple format:
1. Appreciation (5 minutes):
Take turns sharing one specific thing you appreciated about your partner this past week. Be specific. Instead of “Thanks for being great,” try, “I really appreciated that you handled the call with the insurance company on Tuesday. I know it was frustrating, and it took a huge weight off my shoulders.”
2. What Went Well (5 minutes):
Talk about what felt good in your relationship this week. What was a moment of connection or teamwork? This trains you to look for the positive. “I really enjoyed our walk on Wednesday night. It was nice just to talk without any distractions.”
3. A Minor Course Correction (5 minutes):
Each person gets to bring up one small issue or need. Use the “I-statement” format. “I felt a little disconnected this week. Could we make sure to have dinner together at the table at least two nights next week?” This is for minor tweaks, not for dredging up old wounds. If a bigger issue comes up, agree to schedule a separate, longer conversation for it.
4. Planning for Connection (5 minutes):
Ask a simple question: “What is one thing I can do to make you feel loved and supported in the coming week?” Listen to the answer and commit to doing it. It might be as simple as “Give me a hug before you leave for work” or “Take care of emptying the dishwasher on Saturday morning.”
This weekly ritual is a powerful investment in your relationship goals. It creates a predictable rhythm of connection and ensures that small resentments don’t build up over time. It is the practical, tangible work of being friends.
The journey from romantic partners to lifelong friends is perhaps the most profound and rewarding part of a long-term marriage. It’s not a downgrade from passion, but an upgrade to a resilient, compassionate, and deeply intimate partnership. It’s a bond built not on grand gestures, but on a thousand small moments of turning toward each other with kindness, humor, and unwavering support.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or therapeutic advice. The reader should consult with a qualified professional for any personal concerns. If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger, do not use this site. For immediate assistance in the U.S., call your local emergency services or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
