The 7 Stages Explained

As you read through these stages, try to approach them with curiosity rather than fear. See if any of these patterns resonate with your experience. Remember, identifying a pattern is the first step toward changing it. For each stage, we will offer a small, concrete action you can consider taking.

Stage 1: Persistent Irritation and Criticism

This is where the trouble often subtly begins. Small habits that you once found endearing or simply ignored now feel intensely irritating. The way your partner chews, the stories they repeat, or their habit of leaving cabinets open become sources of significant frustration. This irritation often gives way to criticism.

Criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action: “It upset me that the trash wasn’t taken out.” Criticism is a global attack on your partner’s character: “You are so lazy. You never think about anyone but yourself.” It often uses all-or-nothing language like “you always” or “you never.” This is a cognitive trap that makes problems seem permanent and unsolvable.

What it feels like: You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. The home environment is tense, and you find yourself bracing for the next negative comment. You may feel perpetually annoyed or constantly criticized.

A Practical Next Step: Practice the “gentle start-up.” Instead of leading with criticism, start conversations with an I-statement, which focuses on your feelings and needs without blame. For example, instead of “You never help around here,” try: “I feel overwhelmed by the housework lately. Could we set aside some time this weekend to talk about how we can tackle it as a team?”

Stage 2: The Rise of Defensiveness

When criticism becomes a common feature of communication, the natural response is defensiveness. If every conversation feels like an attack, partners will instinctively shield themselves. Defensiveness is a way of warding off a perceived attack and reversing the blame. It sounds like, “I wouldn’t have to work late if you didn’t spend so much money,” or “I did take out the trash, you just didn’t notice.”

While it’s a normal human reaction, defensiveness is disastrous for problem-solving. It escalates conflict because neither person feels heard. The conversation becomes a game of hot potato, with both partners tossing blame back and forth. No one takes responsibility, so nothing ever changes.

What it feels like: Conversations go in endless, frustrating circles. You feel fundamentally misunderstood and unheard. You might leave a discussion feeling more disconnected than when you started.

A Practical Next Step: Introduce reflective listening. Before you share your side of the story, try to summarize what your partner just said to ensure you understand them. It can be as simple as, “So what I’m hearing you say is that you feel ignored when I’m on my phone during dinner. Is that right?” This simple act validates their feelings and slows down the conversation, making it less likely to escalate into a fight.

Stage 3: The Growth of Contempt

This is widely considered the most destructive of all relationship patterns and the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt goes beyond criticism; it is a form of disrespect that communicates disgust. It is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about a partner and is expressed through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, or hostile humor.

Contempt says, “I am better than you. You are beneath me.” It corrodes the very foundation of a relationship: admiration and respect. It is an acid that dissolves love, and it is incredibly painful to be on the receiving end of it.

What it feels like: Feeling devalued, worthless, and despised. The relationship feels hopeless and toxic. This stage is profoundly damaging to self-esteem.

A Practical Next Step: Contempt must be treated as a five-alarm fire. If you see it in yourself, the antidote is to intentionally build a culture of appreciation. Make a conscious effort to scan your day for things your partner does right, no matter how small. Express one piece of genuine appreciation every day. If you are receiving contempt, you must set a firm boundary. A boundary is a limit you set for yourself. For example: “I will not be spoken to with sarcasm or disrespect. I am ending this conversation now. We can talk later when we can both be kind.”

A Note on Safety: Pervasive contempt can be a form of emotional abuse. If this pattern is deeply entrenched and you feel unsafe, it is crucial to seek support from a therapist or a domestic violence advocate. You can find resources and information on healthy relationships from the CDC.

Stage 4: Stonewalling and Emotional Withdrawal

When conversations have become routinely critical, defensive, and contemptuous, at least one partner will often start to shut down. This is stonewalling. The stonewaller withdraws from the interaction, acting as if they are a brick wall. They might stop responding, turn away, get busy with their phone, or physically leave the room.

Stonewalling is not the same as taking a healthy break. It is a complete shutdown that happens in the middle of a conflict, leaving the other partner feeling abandoned and unheard. It is often a response to emotional flooding, a state where your nervous system is so overwhelmed by the conflict that you lose the ability to think rationally. It’s a physiological self-preservation mechanism, but it feels like a weapon to the person being stonewalled.

What it feels like: For the stonewaller, it can feel like trying to protect themselves from an overwhelming flood. For the other partner, it feels like being punished, ignored, and abandoned. It is intensely lonely and invalidating.

A Practical Next Step: Replace stonewalling with a structured time-out. Agree beforehand on a word or phrase (like “pause” or “flooded”) that either of you can use to stop a heated conversation. The person who calls the pause must state a specific time they will return to the conversation. For example: “I am feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break. I am going to take a 20-minute walk, and I promise we can resume this conversation when I get back.” This turns a destructive pattern into a constructive self-regulation skill.

Stage 5: Rewriting History and Negative Sentiment Override

At this stage, the negativity has become so pervasive that it begins to color the past. Partners may start to believe their relationship was always this bad. Happy memories are distorted or forgotten, replaced by a narrative of disappointment and struggle. This is called “negative sentiment override.”

In this state, even neutral or positive actions by a partner are viewed through a negative lens. If your partner buys you flowers, your first thought isn’t “how sweet,” but “what did they do wrong now?” The trust and goodwill that form the emotional bank account of the relationship are completely overdrawn. You expect the worst from your partner, and you are rarely proven wrong because you are interpreting everything they do as negative.

What it feels like: A deep sense of hopelessness. You may question if you ever truly loved each other or if the whole relationship was a mistake from the start. It feels like there is no good left to build upon.

A Practical Next Step: Focus on the future, not the past, with a “Needs vs. Offers” exercise. Sit down separately and make two columns on a piece of paper. In the first column, “My Needs,” write down 2-3 specific, positive things you need to feel more connected (e.g., “I need a 10-minute hug at the end of the day”). In the second column, “My Offers,” write down 2-3 things you are genuinely willing to offer your partner (e.g., “I am willing to put my phone away during dinner”). Share your lists without debate. This shifts the focus to actionable solutions in the present.

Stage 6: Living Parallel Lives

After a long period of conflict and negativity, couples often give up trying to engage at all. The fighting may decrease, but it is replaced by a vast, quiet emotional distance. Partners in this stage function more like roommates. They manage the household, parent children, and may even attend social events together, but they have stopped sharing their inner worlds.

They have separate hobbies, separate friends, and separate emotional lives. They no longer turn to each other for comfort, celebration, or support. An attachment cue—a bid for connection, like sharing a story about your day—goes unnoticed or is met with a brief, disinterested response. The loneliness inside the relationship becomes profound.

What it feels like: A hollow, quiet emptiness. You may feel more relaxed and more “yourself” when your partner is not around. The relationship feels more like an obligation than a source of joy or comfort.

A Practical Next Step: Re-introduce small, low-pressure rituals of connection. The goal isn’t to have a deep, soul-baring conversation right away. It’s about re-opening the lines of communication. Start with a weekly 20-minute check-in. The agenda can be simple: 1) What is one thing I can thank you for from this past week? 2) What is one thing that has been stressful for you this week (work, family, etc.)? 3) Is there one thing I can do to support you in the week ahead? The goal is to listen, not to solve.

Stage 7: Detachment and Fantasizing About an End

This is the final stage before a relationship ends. At this point, one or both partners have emotionally checked out. They have grieved the loss of the relationship as they knew it and have begun to accept the distance as a permanent state of affairs. They no longer feel anger or sadness, just a kind of resigned apathy.

In this stage, it’s common to start fantasizing about a life without the partner. What would it be like to have your own apartment? To travel alone? These are not fleeting thoughts but detailed daydreams that offer a sense of relief and peace. A person in this stage may be taking small, concrete steps toward separation, such as opening a separate bank account, consulting a lawyer, or confiding in friends about their plan to leave. The fight to save the relationship is over.

What it feels like: A strange sense of calm or numbness. The emotional turmoil has passed, replaced by a quiet resolve. You may feel a sense of guilt, but also a growing sense of freedom and hope for the future—a future without your partner.

A Practical Next Step: This is a time for radical honesty, first with yourself. It is essential to get clear on what you truly want and need. Seeking individual therapy can be immensely helpful in navigating this complex decision. If you decide to talk with your partner, it should be done with care and clarity. This is often the point where professional help, such as couples counseling or mediation, is necessary to decide if there is any path forward together or how to separate in the most respectful way possible. Exploring **how to fix a broken relationship** at this point requires immense commitment from both parties and often the guidance of a professional.