A Worked Example: The 10-Minute De-escalation and Repair
Let’s see how these tools work in a real-life scenario. Imagine Partner A is upset because Partner B, who promised to handle it, forgot to pay an important bill, and now there’s a late fee.
The Unhealthy Path (Escalation)
Partner A (starts with criticism): “I can’t believe you forgot to pay the car insurance! You are so irresponsible. Now we have a late fee because you never listen to me.”
Partner B (responds with defensiveness): “Irresponsible? I’m the one who handles almost all the bills! You have no idea how much I have on my plate. Besides, you’re the one who overspent on that dinner last week!”
Outcome: The conversation has now escalated. It’s no longer about the bill. It’s about character assassination (“irresponsible”), scorekeeping (“I handle all the bills”), and kitchen-sinking (“that dinner last week”). Both partners feel attacked and misunderstood. The original problem is not solved, and now there’s a fresh layer of hurt.
The Healthy Path (De-escalation and Problem-Solving)
Partner A (uses a gentle start-up and I-statement): “Hey, I saw we got a notice about a late fee for the car insurance. I’m feeling really anxious about it. Can we talk for a minute?”
Partner B (feels a surge of defensiveness, but takes a breath and chooses curiosity): “Oh, no. I completely forgot. I’m sorry. I hear that you’re feeling anxious.”
Partner A (feels the anger rising but recognizes it as flooding): “Thank you for saying that. I can feel myself getting really worked up and I don’t want to snap at you. I think I need to take a ten-minute pause to calm down. Can we come back to this after I take the dog out?”
During the ten-minute pause, Partner A walks the dog and focuses on their breathing. Partner B makes a cup of tea and pays the bill online.
Partner A (resuming the conversation): “Okay, I’m feeling calmer. I’m sorry if I sounded sharp earlier. My anxiety about money gets triggered easily.” (This is a repair attempt.)
Partner B: “I understand. And I am really sorry I forgot. I’ve been so swamped at work. How about we set a recurring calendar reminder for both of us for bills like this so it doesn’t fall through the cracks again?”
Outcome: The problem of the bill is solved. Both partners have acknowledged their role—one in their emotional reaction, the other in the initial mistake. They have validated each other’s feelings and collaborated on a forward-looking solution. They leave the conversation feeling like a team.
