Frequently Asked Questions About Arguing in a Relationship
Is it normal to argue every day in a relationship?
While minor, quickly resolved disagreements can happen frequently, having distressing, emotionally draining fights every single day is a sign that there are significant underlying issues and unmet needs. The frequency of arguments is less important than their quality and outcome. If your daily arguments are characterized by the unhealthy signs listed above—criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling—and leave you feeling more disconnected, it’s a clear signal that your current approach to conflict is not working and is likely causing damage to your relationship.
Can a relationship survive without arguing?
A relationship with zero expressed conflict is not necessarily a healthy one. More often than not, it’s a sign of conflict avoidance, where one or both partners are suppressing their feelings, needs, and frustrations to keep the peace. This can lead to a build-up of resentment and a lack of genuine intimacy. The goal of a healthy partnership is not to avoid conflict, but to become skilled at navigating it. A good argument can be a powerful tool for growth, clarification, and deeper connection when handled constructively.
What if my partner refuses to change how we argue?
This is an incredibly difficult and painful position to be in. You cannot force another person to change. Your power lies in changing your own behavior and setting boundaries. You can start by modeling the skills yourself: use I-statements, try to listen reflectively, and take a pause when you feel overwhelmed. If the unhealthy behavior continues, you may need to set a clear boundary. A boundary is a statement about what you will do to protect yourself, not a demand for them to change. For example:
“I love you, and I am no longer willing to participate in conversations where there is name-calling. If that begins, I will calmly tell you I need to stop, and I will walk into the other room. We can try talking again when we can both be respectful.”
This isn’t a punishment; it’s a clear and loving act of self-preservation. If your partner is unwilling to respect such boundaries, it may be time to consider individual or couples counseling to explore your options.
