The 5 Phrases and How to Respond

Words are windows into our internal worlds. When a partner repeatedly uses dismissive or evasive phrases, they are offering a glimpse into their feelings of frustration, hopelessness, or overwhelm. The key is not to argue with the words themselves but to gently address the underlying feeling. Below are five of these phrases, what they often signal, and how you can respond in a way that opens the door for a different kind of conversation.

Phrase 1: “I don’t know.” or “Whatever.”

On the surface, this phrase seems like a simple statement of indifference. You ask your partner what they think about a decision, how they feel about an issue, or what they want for dinner, and you get a verbal wall. But “I don’t know” or the more pointed “Whatever” is rarely about a true lack of opinion. It’s often a sign of exhaustion.

What it might mean: This phrase is a form of surrender. It can mean, “I’m too tired to have this conversation,” “I’ve tried expressing my opinion before and it didn’t matter, so why bother now?” or “I’m so overwhelmed by this topic that I can’t access a clear thought.” It signals that the energy required to engage feels greater than any potential positive outcome. It’s a hallmark of communication problems where one partner has developed a sense of learned helplessness within the dynamic.

How to respond: Resist the urge to push for a “real” answer. Pushing will only reinforce their belief that engagement is demanding and fruitless. Instead, soften the approach and reduce the cognitive load.

First, validate the feeling of being overwhelmed, even if it’s unspoken. Then, shift from an open-ended question to a gentle, multiple-choice one. This makes it easier to participate.

Example Script:

You: “What do you want to do about visiting my sister this holiday?”
Them: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

Your Gentle Response: “It sounds like thinking about this feels like a lot right now. I get that. To make it easier, how about we consider two options? We could go just for the main dinner, or we could offer to visit the weekend after. Does one of those feel better to you?”

This response acknowledges their low bandwidth, provides concrete options that require less mental energy, and keeps the ball rolling collaboratively. You are demonstrating that their input matters while also making it easier for them to provide it.

Phrase 2: “I’m fine.” or “It’s fine.”

This is perhaps one of the most notoriously dishonest phrases in the English language. When your partner’s tone, body language, and the surrounding context all scream that things are very much not fine, these words are a clear sign of conflict avoidance. Your partner is likely trying to preemptively shut down a conversation they fear will escalate.

What it might mean: “It’s fine” is often a code for, “It’s not fine, but I don’t have the tools or the hope that talking about it will make it better. In fact, I’m afraid it will make it worse.” It’s a protective measure born from a history of conversations that have gone poorly. They are choosing the predictable discomfort of silence over the unpredictable risk of a painful argument. This is a common indicator in signs of an unhappy marriage where communication has become a minefield.

How to respond: Directly challenging the “I’m fine” will likely lead to a dead end (“No, you’re not!” “Yes, I am!”). Instead, gently name the pattern you’re observing and propose a safer way to talk. This involves setting up a structured, time-limited conversation, a technique known as topic scoping.

Example Script:

You: “You seem quiet since that phone call with your brother. Is everything okay?”
Them: “I’m fine. It’s fine.”

Your Gentle Response: “Okay, I hear you. I’ve noticed that sometimes when we start talking about family stuff, it gets tense for both of us. I’m not trying to start a big thing. I just want to understand what’s going on for you. Would you be open to talking about it for just ten minutes after dinner? If it gets too heavy, we can stop.”

This response does several things: it shows you’re aware of the difficult pattern, it validates their potential fear of escalation, it sets a clear boundary on the length of the conversation (making it feel less daunting), and it gives them an out. This is a low-risk invitation to connect.

Phrase 3: “You always…” or “You never…”

These phrases are conversation killers. As soon as they are uttered, the focus shifts from the specific issue at hand to a global character assassination. They are forms of all-or-nothing language, a cognitive trap that paints a partner into a corner and makes change feel impossible. When someone uses these words, they are often expressing a deep-seated frustration and a feeling of being stuck in a painful, repetitive cycle.

What it might mean: “You always…” is a desperate cry that translates to, “I am hurting from a recurring pattern of behavior, and I don’t know how else to express the magnitude of my frustration.” It’s not a factual report; it’s an expression of hopelessness. The user of the phrase feels that the negative behavior is a permanent trait, not a temporary action. This is a direct path to escalating relationship issues.

How to respond: The instinct is to defend yourself by providing counter-examples (“That’s not true! I did the dishes last Tuesday!”). This is a trap. It keeps you arguing about the past instead of solving the problem in the present. The most effective response is to sidestep the global accusation and bring the conversation back to a specific, recent example. This is a core principle of good conflict hygiene.

Example Script:

Them: “You never listen to me. You always just do what you want.”

Your Gentle Response: “I hear how frustrated you are, and it hurts me to hear you feel I never listen. That word ‘never’ feels really big and hard to talk about. Can we pause on that for a second? I want to understand what just happened. Can you tell me about this specific situation and how it felt for you?”

This response validates their emotion (frustration) without agreeing with the accusation. It gently points out the problematic language and then skillfully redirects to a solvable, specific instance. This moves you from a fight about character to a conversation about an event.

Phrase 4: “Just drop it.” or “I don’t want to talk about this.”

This is a hard stop. It’s an explicit and often firm refusal to continue the conversation. While it can feel like a harsh rejection, it is one of the clearest signs of emotional flooding. Your partner is waving a red flag that says, “I am at my absolute limit.” Pushing past this boundary is almost guaranteed to lead to an explosive argument or a complete shutdown.

What it might mean: This phrase is a verbal manifestation of stonewalling, a term popularized by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman to describe emotionally withdrawing from an interaction. It means, “I am so overwhelmed that I cannot process anything else you are saying. Continuing this conversation right now feels dangerous to me.” Honoring this request for a stop is essential, but it doesn’t mean the conversation is over forever.

How to respond: The key is to respect the need for a pause while ensuring it doesn’t become permanent avoidance. This is where you introduce a structured time-out.

Example Script:

You: “We really need to figure out this budget issue.”
Them: “I can’t. Just drop it. I don’t want to talk about this now.”

Your Gentle Response: “Okay. I hear you. You’re done talking about this for now, and I will respect that. This is important, so we do need to finish the conversation. Can we agree to come back to it tonight at 8 PM for 20 minutes? We can set a timer.”

This response validates their need for space, prevents you from feeling abandoned mid-conflict, and creates a concrete plan to resume. Agreeing on a specific time provides security for both partners. The person who needs a break gets it, and the person who needs to resolve the issue knows it won’t be forgotten.

Phrase 5: “Do what you want.”

Of all the phrases, this one may be the most chilling. It signals a profound level of detachment and resignation. It is not an empowering statement of your freedom; it is a declaration of their surrender. When a partner says this, they are often communicating that they have given up on being a team.

What it might mean: The subtext is, “I no longer believe that my needs, desires, or opinions matter in this partnership. I’ve tried to be heard, and it hasn’t worked. I am detaching myself from the outcome because it’s too painful to keep caring.” This is one of the most serious warning signs your partner is distant because it indicates they are emotionally stepping out of the relationship, even if they are physically still present.

How to respond: This requires a calm, vulnerable, and direct response. Your goal is to send a clear attachment cue—a signal designed to pull your partner back toward connection by showing them that you see their withdrawal and you want to close the distance.

Example Script:

You: “I was thinking we could book that trip for our anniversary. What do you think?”
Them: “Do what you want.”

Your Gentle Response: (Take a breath and soften your tone.) “When I hear you say that, it makes me feel sad and scared. It sounds like you’re giving up on us making decisions together. That’s not what I want. My goal isn’t just to ‘do what I want’; my goal is to find something that makes both of us happy. It feels like there’s a distance between us right now, and I’d like to understand it. Are you open to talking about what’s really going on?”

This response uses an “I-statement” to express your feelings without blame. It names the fear (giving up on “us”) and clearly states your desire for connection. It’s a powerful and honest invitation to look at the deeper issue.