Setting Boundaries When Your Partner Won’t Engage
Sometimes, even with your best efforts, a partner may continue to withdraw or refuse to participate in creating solutions. This is where boundaries become essential. It’s important to understand what a boundary is: it is not a way to control your partner’s behavior, but a way to protect your own well-being and define what you will do in response to their behavior.
A boundary is about you, not them. A threat sounds like, “If you don’t go to therapy with me, I’m leaving.” A boundary sounds like, “I am going to start therapy for myself to get support. It’s my hope you’ll join me, but I need to take this step for my own health.” The first tries to force their hand; the second states what you will do for yourself.
A Simple Boundary Script
A clear, kind, and firm boundary can be communicated using a simple formula. It gives your partner information about the impact of their actions and what you will do to take care of yourself if the pattern continues.
The Formula:
1. When… (Describe the specific, observable behavior.)
2. I feel… (Share the emotion it creates in you.)
3. I need… (State your clear, positive need.)
4. If that can’t happen, I will… (Describe the action you will take to protect yourself or meet your own need.)
Example Script:
“When our conversations about our future repeatedly end with you walking away, I feel hopeless and deeply alone in this marriage. I need to know that we are on the same team, working towards a shared vision. If we can’t start having these conversations together, I will need to find a couples therapist to help us facilitate them. I’ll research three options this week for us to look at together.”
This is not an ultimatum. It’s a clear statement of reality. You are communicating that the status quo is no longer sustainable for you and outlining a constructive next step you will take.
What if Boundaries Don’t Work?
The purpose of a boundary is not to guarantee that your partner will change. The purpose is to protect your own emotional and mental health. If your partner continues to ignore your needs or violate your boundaries, you gain important information. You learn that they are either unable or unwilling to meet you where you are.
This can be a painful realization, but it is also a point of clarity. It allows you to make choices based on reality, not on the hope of who your partner might be one day. At this stage, seeking support from a therapist for yourself can be invaluable. It can help you grieve the relationship you wished you had and decide what a healthy future looks like for you, whether that is within the partnership or not. Both therapy and separation are valid choices when a relationship is no longer a source of safety and connection. More information on healthy relationships is available from the CDC.
