FAQs: Common Questions About Grief and Marriage
Couples often have pressing, fearful questions about how a major loss will affect their future. Here are answers to some of the most common concerns.
Can grief break up a marriage?
Grief is a significant stressor that can, and does, contribute to marital strain and sometimes separation. It doesn’t cause the breakup on its own, but it acts like a pressure test on the relationship’s foundation. It will expose and amplify any pre-existing cracks, such as poor communication habits, unresolved conflicts, or a lack of a strong team dynamic. However, it can also be a catalyst for immense growth. Couples who learn to navigate a loss together, using tools like the ones in this article, often emerge with a deeper, more resilient, and more intimate bond. If you feel your relationship is at a breaking point, seeking help from a couples counselor who specializes in grief is a sign of profound strength, not failure. For more on relationship health, see information from the American Psychological Association (APA).
How long does grief last?
This is a question born of a desire for the pain to end. The truth is that grief does not have a timeline. It is not a sickness you recover from, but rather a new landscape you learn to live in. The acute, all-consuming pain of early grief does soften and change over time. It becomes integrated into your life. The waves of sadness may become less frequent and less intense, but the sense of loss remains. The goal is not to “get over it,” but to learn how to carry the grief while still building a meaningful and joyful life. Be patient with yourself and with your partner.
My partner is angry all the time. Is this normal?
Yes, anger is a very common and valid part of grief. It can be directed at the universe for the unfairness of the loss, at doctors for not being able to save a loved one, or even at the person who died for leaving. Unfortunately, this free-floating anger is often aimed at the safest and closest person: a spouse. While the feeling of anger is normal, it is crucial to separate the emotion from the behavior. It is essential to set a boundary. You can say, “I understand you are feeling so much anger right now, and you have every right to feel that way. But it is not okay for you to yell at me or call me names. We need to talk to each other with respect, even when it’s hard.”
What if we need more help?
Navigating a major loss is one of the most difficult things you will do as a couple. There is no shame in needing more support than you can give each other. Seeking professional help is a proactive way to care for yourselves and your relationship. Options include individual therapy for each of you to process your personal grief, couples counseling to work on communication and connection, or grief support groups where you can connect with others who understand. For help finding resources, you can consult organizations like the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) or use the SAMHSA’s National Helpline in the U.S. for confidential referrals.
