Are You Sabotaging Your Own Compliments?

For most of my life I lived with a real issue: when people said nice things about me, I didn’t believe them, and I didn’t know how to take a compliment.

It didn’t matter if it was a remark about an accomplishment I’ve recently achieved or an idea I had; when people complimented me even about the cookies I baked, I used to think they were lying or they were trying to manipulate me in some way. I realized after some experiences that not recognizing what I’ve done is not good for me.

Imagine your partner tells you you’re beautiful, and you feel they are obligated to do so, and the meaning is gone for you. You can notice you can’t take a compliment when for example someone tells you you have a nice dress that looks amazing on you, and instead of accepting it with a thank you, you deflect it with something like “I guess I like it; I can ride a bike in it, which is the most important.”

If this sounds familiar and you get multiple compliments, but you focus on that one criticism someone did 10 years ago, come with me and challenge yourself with this article.

Gratitude: The Key to Deeper Connections

It’s such a big buzz lately about gratitude, and most of the discussion is about how important it is to express it. While that’s true, it’s actually more important for healthy relationships to know how to receive gratitude.

And still, why is it so hard for some people to accept gratitude? Most people seem to see gratitude as something scarce as if they take some, it won’t be enough for others, and this is in part related to their culture since most of us are told to be humble and not focus on ourselves.

“Thanks” to all this, there is an incredible number of people that shut down the gratitude dance. By doing this, you don’t even realize how you block love and praise from reaching you.

To make it more obvious for you, it’s like you slam a door on someone trying to come into your house, and in the end, you keep them out of your heart.

One of my friends is working on her gratitude receiving. She shared with me how recently, after cooking a new lentil recipe, her husband told her it was delicious. However, instead of accepting the compliment, she quickly responded, “Yeah, it didn’t turn out as flavorful as I hoped. I think I should’ve added something else, or the curry powder was not fresh enough. Next time I’ll use fresh spices.”

Her husband immediately repeated the initial compliment to emphasize how much he liked her meal and to remind her he was expressing his gratitude. As she recently became aware of the importance of accepting compliments, she still struggles and sometimes slips up. Practicing it consciously will make it easier.

These are the ways people with a hard time accepting compliments usually respond to them:

• Deflect

The quick deflect is very common, brushing it off like it’s nothing. This feels like we tell the other person they don’t have any reason to be thankful in the first place.

This ties back to vulnerability because we are afraid to show who we really are, with all the grace and flaws. People don’t feel comfortable shining in the spotlight because, along with love and gratitude, it’s possible for them to be at risk of pain and disappointment.

• Reciprocate

The other common way people respond is by immediately returning the compliment. We seem to rush to say something nice back even before the nice words sink in. It’s kind of like the hot potato game, where the goal is to throw the ball back as fast as you can.

In this case, the exchange feels transactional, almost like you owe someone a compliment in return for theirs. Accepting the praise might make us feel vulnerable, and by paying it back right away, we avoid feeling indebted.

• Discount

This is when you decide to come back with a bunch of reasons why the compliment doesn’t matter. How? Exactly how my friend did when her husband told her how tasty the curried lentils were: she launched into a list of things that were completely wrong about her dish. She came up with a detailed response that took the wind out of her husband’s sails, and if he was not aware of her process, he might have hesitated to compliment her next time. This positive moment could have been turned into a downer.

The 3A system

It’s important to build healthier habits when it comes to this, and there is a model of interaction you can use based on a 3-A system: accept, amplify, and advance.

Accepting means saying “thank you” with eye contact; other than deflecting. Amplifying is taking the compliment seriously and letting it lift your mood up. Advancing it means you should engage with gratitude and ask follow-up questions that can deepen the conversation.

Taking the same story we started with, my friend could’ve asked her husband: What did you like the most about the dish? From here, he might have mentioned how the curry taste reminds him of their trip to India, leading to a deeper conversation that would connect them even more.

This is a good time to reflect on how you respond to gratitude. If you accept, amplify, or advance, you’re on a good path. However, if you notice tendencies of deflecting, reciprocating, or discounting, remember that it’s important to receive gratitude, and this is a skill itself. Don’t be afraid to enter the dance of gratitude, as you can help both yourself and your relationships.

More reasons why people usually struggle with accepting gratitude

Many individuals see accepting gratitude as being exposed or vulnerable. This is a fear that can stem from past experiences where vulnerability was associated with criticism and rejection.

People with low self-esteem usually doubt the worthiness of praise itself. They might think they don’t deserve the compliment, which leads to an inability to accept it gracefully.

Let’s not forget about cognitive conditioning, where humility can be highly valued and individuals can feel that accepting a compliment can be a form of self-centeredness.

Perfectionism can be another reason: these people find it hard to accept compliments because they seem to focus on what they could have done better rather than their achievements.

Another reason is the reciprocity pressure, as some people feel pressed to reciprocate compliments immediately, worrying that they need to offer something back in return.

How to accept compliments gracefully long-term?

Staying present during moments of gratitude can help you assimilate the good feeling and get used to it. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s completely ok to be in the moment without reacting immediately.

Try to consciously work on affirming your self-worth. Remind yourself all the time that you deserve gratitude and compliments. Keep a journal for positive feedback; this can be an amazing help to reinforce this belief.

You can imagine how you would feel if you were the one giving the compliment. How would you feel when the recipient would dismiss it? With this perspective, you can realize the importance of graciously receiving gratitude.

Another fun thing you can do is even rehearse it by saying thank you out loud when you’re alone. It can sound funny, but practice makes it easier to naturally respond when the moment arises.

When someone compliments you, consciously resist the urge to follow it with “but” or any negative statement and only focus on accepting the praise before adding something.

You can start to engage with the person who’s giving you gratitude by asking questions about their compliment. This will create a deeper interaction and help you accept the praise more readily.

It’s important to stay aware of your responses and get them better and better, with the purpose of feeling better yourself.

Use techniques such as reflective journaling and mindfulness practices in your daily routine that will help you become aware of your emotional responses and see through patterns. Don’t hesitate to ask for feedback from friends and family, set clear intentions to accept gratitude more openly, notice physical reactions, pause before responding, and practice self-compassion.

If you want to go even further by challenging yourself in receiving compliments, this is a game you should try – Flatter Me: A Compliment Battle Card Game. You can find it on Amazon and it’s an amazing, fun way to put into practice everything you learned about being more comfortable when receiving gratitude.

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