What Is a Marriage Friendship, Really?
When we talk about marriage friendship, we’re not just talking about being polite or co-existing peacefully. It’s a deep, multi-layered connection built on a few core pillars. It’s the conscious choice to see your partner as a whole person you genuinely like, respect, and enjoy, separate from their roles as co-parent, financial partner, or lover.
A strong marital friendship means you have a rich, updated knowledge of each other’s inner world. You know their current stressors at work, the name of that annoying coworker, their secret hope for the garden this year, and the fears that keep them up at night. This detailed understanding, what some experts call a “love map,” is the foundation of true emotional intimacy. It’s the feeling of being seen, known, and loved for who you are right now, not just the person you were when you first met.
Think of it this way: Romance is often about the mystery of the other person. Friendship is about the mastery of knowing them. Romance thrives on novelty and passion. Friendship thrives on reliability, trust, and the comfort of shared history. A lasting marriage needs both, but the friendship is the vessel that holds the romance. When life gets hard, passion can waver. It is the underlying friendship—the unwavering belief that “we are on the same team”—that carries you through.
This friendship is characterized by:
Fondness and Admiration: You actively look for things to appreciate in your partner and voice them. You respect their mind, their character, and how they navigate the world.
Turning Toward: In the small, mundane moments of daily life, you make bids for connection, and your partner receives them. An “attachment cue” can be as simple as sighing loudly, sharing a story, or making eye contact across a room. Turning toward is acknowledging that cue with a question, a touch, or your attention. It says, “I see you. You matter to me.”
Positive Perspective: Couples with a strong friendship tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If a partner is grumpy, their spouse is more likely to think, “They must have had a stressful day,” rather than, “They’re trying to pick a fight with me.” This positive override prevents small issues from escalating.
Ultimately, learning how to be best friends with your spouse is not about forcing a certain type of personality or having all the same hobbies. It’s about cultivating a spirit of kindness, curiosity, and unwavering support that becomes the default setting for your relationship.
