Breaking up is difficult
Breakups are difficult, we can all agree on that. And for many people, getting over breakups requires a whole deal of time. While it’s something normal to take your time to be able to move on from your past relationship, there are many things you should not do during your recovery journey, relationship experts say. “Because of the swirling of emotions and intensity of them, it is critical to react to the breakup in purposeful and healthy ways,” suggests Juliana Morris, PhD, marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor.
Dealing with the breakup in a healthy way will speed up the recovery and healing process. With that in mind. Here’s what you should never do to get over a breakup, according to relationship experts.
11 things you should not do to get over a breakup:
Don’t ask for a second chance
It’s normal to miss someone who’s been part of your life for a long (even short) period of time. But there was a reason you decided to go your separate ways. So, asking for a second chance should not be on your mind, no matter how you feel at the moment.
Ask yourself if you miss your former partner or just the idea of being in a couple, suggests Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist, Huffington Post blogger, and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. There are two distinct situations and the answer can help you move on easier.
Don’t call or text
Keeping in touch with your ex will only work against you, in the short and long term. That’s because constant contact will not allow you to get rid of the attachment and hinders your recovery process, warns Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, dating coach, founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching.
According to Lisa Marie, “an important step in healing is to remove your ex from your physical and digital world”. Try avoiding any type of contact for at least a month. This will help you see what life without your ex means and that being single is not the end of the world.
A breakup can bring to the surface the worst in people. It’s natural to want to take a swing (metaphorically) at your ex, says Ili Rivera Walter, PhD, LMFT, and professor of marriage and family therapy. But that’s not going to help you get over them easier. On the contrary, planning to revenge will only make you think more about your former partner which is the exact opposite of what you should be doing.
Don’t date the next person you meet
It’s not unusual to try to get over someone by dating someone else; and while this practice is not unusual, it is definitely not healthy. If you have been going through a recent breakup, the solution is not to get back on the dating scene right away, says April Masini, a New York-based relationship and etiquette expert.
Not only will you risk choosing the same type of person but will probably end up in a repeat breakup scenario. Instead, give yourself some time to process what happened, analyze your past relationship and think of what you do not want to repeat in your next relationship.
Read also:Top 20 U.S. Cities with the Most Cheaters. Is your city on the naughty list?
Don’t become a party animal
It might seem easy to start partying like there’s no tomorrow to forget about your feelings and disappointments. But, that’s not the healthy approach, says Dr. Jenn Mann, author of The Relationship Fix: Dr Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy.
Validation from other people that you are sexy and attractive might give you an ego boost, but it will not help you forget your ex. You need to allow the grieving process to run its course and work on yourself in the process.
Don’t take to social media
A breakup in real life also requires a breakup in the digital world. Many couples have joint social media accounts or know each other’s passwords to various platforms. Keeping them and checking the accounts to verify what your ex has been up to will only cause more pain and extend the recovery process.
Instead of remaining in this emotional turmoil, delete everything you have together or change the passwords if the account is yours. Make the breakup real in both worlds and set yourself free.
Don’t kiss and tell
Yes, a breakup comes with great disappointment. In yourself, in the other person, in your overall relationship. But that’s no reason to talk badly about your former partner. After all, you’ve also shared good moments together, not only bad ones.
Bad mouthing your ex speaks volumes about you, as a person and partner, so you’d better zip it. “It drags you down into the mud when what you need is to rise above”, says Masini. You can always talk to your close friends and family about your feelings but that’s about as tight as your circle of trust should be.
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Don’t beat yourself up. It takes two to tango and two people to break up. You’re not the only one responsible for the failures in your relationship, no matter how much your ex might have wanted to make you believe this.
Show kindness and compassion towards your own person, as you would show one of your closest friends. Talking to an objective person, such as a therapist, might help you move on faster and healthier, without blaming yourself for everything.
Don’t hide inside your home
Breakups are hard, we’ve all been there. Wallowing in self-pity, hoping to get a text message from your ex, saying they want you back is a very romantic scenario. But not a very healthy one for someone who is trying to get over the breakup.
So, instead of bundling inside your home, and waiting for some sort of sign, keep yourself busy. “Find at least two, and up to five, things that you can do every single day for yourself that make you feel great, and that help you fill your time,” suggests dating expert, Bonny Albo. It might seem like a cliché, but, having something to do will prevent you from thinking about your ex 24/7.
Don’t forget who you are as an individual
Prioritize “me” time and try to focus on what interests you as an individual. After you acknowledge the breakup, rejoice in your new status and learn how to have fun and enjoy life without being the other half in a relationship.
If you want to take acting classes, go for it. If you want to join a cooking club or learn a new language, don’t let anything stop you from pursuing your dreams. And, you never know. Maybe one of those new activities will also bring you a new love interest.
Don’t start a restricting diet
If you were planning to start a new diet while you were still involved with your ex, that’s fine. Go for it, as long as it does not affect your health. But if you are only thinking about dieting as a result of the breakup, just don’t, says sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want, Dr Tammy Nelson.
When your heart aches, it’s not the best time to make your body hurt as well. Deprivation is not good, even more so when you’re going through a rough patch.
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