Are you dating a gaslighter?

Dating is not simple, but things are even harder when you are in a dysfunctional relationship. First of all, we think it’s important to explain the term “gaslighting.” It all comes from the 1938 British play Gas Light, where a husband skillfully manipulates his wife and makes her believe she is crazy. He does this by slightly changing the intensity of the gas lamp when he is home alone. In the end, the woman can’t trust her memory, and he can make her believe whatever he wants her to believe.

Nowadays, the principle stays the same. When you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, your partner will distort your perception of the truth, and you will no longer be able to trust your own ideas. You will doubt everything, and this will make you more vulnerable.

This deception manipulation is generally performed quietly, but experts believe there are several unmistakable signs that the person you love is gaslighting you. Read on and find out if you’re a victim.

They make you doubt your memory

This is probably the biggest sign you are dating a gaslighter. This is the trademark move, and probably once you realize this is happening, you can be sure about everything. The only problem is that it’s not so easy to find out when this happens. This is also what makes this manipulation technique so effective. It’s hard to realize you are being gaslighted.

Let’s say that you had a fight with your partner, and you know very well what happened. You try to confront them about it, and they start telling you that things were not how you described them. Then they proceed to tell you their version. When this happens over and over again and they are so divisive about it, you will start to question your memory.

Generally, you can understand that maybe you were wrong one time, maybe two times, but when they accuse you of being wrong every single time, you begin to wonder what is happening. Maybe out of shame or because you feel vulnerable, you will give in and accept the false truth they are carefully building to put themselves in a better light.

They don’t know what responsibility is

Another trait specific to a gaslighter is that your partner is unable to take responsibility for their actions. Making mistakes is normal, but they treat everything like they are perfect and no mistakes were ever made.

Making a mistake is not something possible in this universe, and blame-shifting is their middle name. It’s probably your fault because you didn’t do what they asked you or the conditions were not favorable, so they failed. Owning the blame is not in their character.

Conversations with a gaslighter are rarely straightforward. Addressing the issue you were discussing is impossible because they will try to distract you.

Conversations with a gaslighter are rarely straightforward. Addressing the issue you were discussing is impossible because they will try to distract you. The gaslighter will start talking about other things or bring up stuff from the past and accuse you of various acts that happened years ago. These things have no value in the present moment, but they will try to convince you that they do and explain to you what makes you the one who is responsible for their mistakes.

They are always the victim

If you think that you are the victim because you are the one being gaslit, well, think again. Well, you are indeed the victim, but the gaslighter doesn’t think the same. They will do anything they can to shift the attention from the actual victim and transform themselves into the victim. They manipulate the situation to make themselves seem wronged, leaving you questioning your perceptions and even your role in the conflict.

If you try to accuse them of anything, don’t be surprised when they act surprised and hurt because you think they did something wrong. How could you? Can’t you see that you are the one being in the wrong here? This is a widespread scenario, and when you have to deal with a gaslighter, you will notice it pretty often.

This is how you might end up apologizing for something you haven’t even done. When this happens, gaslighters feel powerful and also assured that their manipulation can keep going on because they have won this battle.

This deception not only destroys your trust but also makes it difficult to discuss legitimate problems about the relationship. Gaslighters escape accountability by continually portraying the victim, which increases the feelings of shame and self-doubt.

They belittle you

Undermining your confidence is one of the main goals of the gaslighter, and belittlement is one of their favorite tools used to achieve exactly that. Verbal abuse and gaslighting are distinct behaviors, but this doesn’t mean they can’t exist at the same time. When this happens, a toxic environment is created, and this can leave you feeling powerless and reliant on the gaslighter.

Be careful because this behavior is so much more than simple dismissiveness. Everything is planned and calculated. They will be aggressive and will try to make sure that you feel small, confused, and uncertain about your worth.

When you live like this for months or even years, the effects can be devastating. Over time, it can alter your sense of self and change your overall disposition. This means you might start to feel numb and simply stop enjoying life how you used to.

What we need to note is that gaslighters tend to be very personal with their criticism. They will attack your thoughts, choices, or even personality.

They try to isolate you

For their manipulation to work, there should not be any external influences that can make you suspect that they are doing what they are doing. So, you might notice that you are spending less and less time with your friends and with your family. This is not a coincidence.

This is all intentional because it is so much easier to manipulate someone when they are secluded. This is an insidious tactic that will affect you long-term. Gaslighters frequently frame being alone in subtle manners, such as condemning your loved ones, doubting their motivations, or implying that they do not understand or appreciate your connection. Over time, this causes a split between you and your support network.

What is worse is that the gaslighter will make you think that you are the one responsible for your isolation. It will seem that you are voluntarily withdrawing from friends and family, and it will be easier for them to play the victim. They want you to think that they never did something wrong and it’s all your fault that you are alone now.

Now we believe that you are ready to recognize a gaslighter. Being in a relationship with one is almost impossible and also incredibly toxic. This type of connection is not helpful, and it is better to think about whether you want to stay around or start a new life by yourself.

If you want to learn more about how you can recover from abuse, this book is a good start: Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: How to Recognize Manipulation, Overcome Narcissistic Abuse, Let Go, and Heal from Toxic Relationships (Mindful Relationships)

You should also read: Being Disliked for No Reason: 7 Ways to Handle It