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Being the Break-Up Initiator Hurts More than People Say

Break-Ups Are Probably One of The Most Hurtful Things in Life.

Nowadays, there’s an increasing amount of information and advice aimed at people who have been “broken up with.” But little to none for the people who initiated the break-up, who are oftentimes seen as “the villains.”

It’s even more interesting when you notice that some of the best books and advice out there are all written for those who have been dumped. But what about the other ones?

Do they even suffer? Do they need support or not? Well, I think it’s safe to say that a break-up is hard on both parties, whatever we might be tempted to believe. If you were ever in this position, then this article might be good for you.

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Photo by – Yuri A on Shutterstock

Making the decision to walk away from your dream is extremely hard to do.

Break-ups hurt not only because you lose someone you love but also because you’re losing the life you thought you had. This holds just as much validity for the person who decides to pull the plug.

This part of the process could be wildly different for the person because it might have represented a long and painful decision to come to, sometimes over a longer period of time.

The shock that the relationship has ended and the future one had planned is gone for good is just as devastating for the initiator.

Breaking up with my ex-partner was the worst-case scenario of my life. It’s hard to describe how hard it was to do it. Besides, there’s always a withdrawal that comes with separating from a loved one, which can be equally intense for both people involved.

I’ve recently discovered that the ones who decide to end the relationship have a harder time convincing themselves to stay in no contact. You might be completely aware that the relationship isn’t right, but your system hasn’t caught up yet.

The stage can truly last for a long time, and it can be very confusing, especially if you are the one to put on the breaks.

Just because the relationship didn’t work doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real.

It’s hard, but fairly crucial, to separate the love you have for someone from the probability of spending a future together. Compatibility and the likelihood of feeling fulfillment inside a relationship are equally important, especially when you need to decide whether or not to stay in that relationship.

Moreover, the inability to get along or a rather serious disagreement in lifestyle might have nothing to do with your chemistry or the affection you have for one another.

This is even more true if you share a portion of your life together. You might well know that the relationship isn’t good for you, but you might still care for your partner, which makes it close to impossible to see them hurt.

This is especially hard when so many people stay in unhappy relationships just to avoid hurting the other person. In some cases, they even cheat on their partners to find a cure for their own discontent.

Looking like the bad guy isn’t fun

If there’s one person in the relationship who doesn’t want to break-up or even accept the reality of a broken future, the one who decides to end it is definitely bound to become “the bad guy,” not only to the partner but also to the partner’s circle of friends and family members.

There’s a wide variety of responses and opinions from various people. Some will say you didn’t try hard enough to save the relationship. Moreover, people might try to look for an explanation, which can be quite hard to provide (and you really don’t have to).

Those who leave might have been mistreated.

Oftentimes (although it’s not a rule), the decision to leave comes after a long period of mistreatment and sometimes even abuse. This dynamic makes the entire process drawn out and very, very painful. Individuals who have been living in unhappy relationships might carry with them all these secrets, misery, and even deep wounds.

The whole idea of staying in an unhealthy scenario only shows just how tough the decision was for them and the wide range of complicated emotions involved.

It is very hard not to feel responsible for the other person’s feelings.

Just how many people could even relate to the all-time hit “Somebody That I Used to Know”? One of the reasons is that the song talks about the confusion and anger felt toward someone who decides to move on from their ex-partner.

For some reason, it has become increasingly fashionable to expect couples to stay friends after breaking up, and oftentimes, there are many accusations of immaturity thrown at those who just want a clean break.

Well, talk about a lot of pressure. Especially when it comes to a break-up that seems one-sided (although, let’s be honest, no break-up is actually one-sided), the person who leaves might have to deal with this kind of pressure on multiple fronts, showing up emotionally for the other person.

This pressure is even harder to resist if it’s coming from someone you used to love and might still care about, and it’s even more stressful to either avoid getting tangled up in the whole situation or to lend support only to discover it makes you feel worse.

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Photo by amedeoemaja from

Engage in self-reflection.

If you’re feeling guilty, try to reflect on the reasons. For example, are you feeling guilty about hurting your ex-partner or for not trying harder for the relationship?

Or, you might be feeling guilty because of the way your family and friends reacted to your break-up. Everyone has their own reasons, and it’s always a good thing to be aware of the “whys” behind your emotions, so you can take the needed steps and understand the validity of those reasons.

There could also be some times when you don’t know exactly why you’re feeling a certain way, especially after a break-up. When that usually happens, take the time to figure things out for yourself, with your loved ones, or even with a professional.

Try to look at the relationship objectively.

Guilt might cause you to second-guess your decision when it comes to ending the relationship and forget all the bad things or the reasons for the break-up. You need to remind yourself of your intention to leave in the first place.

Try to grab a piece of paper and pen and list out all the reasons. Try to refer to them as many times as needed. This might also serve to remind you of all the things that are required for a healthy relationship, the first being that it’s a shared responsibility.

It’s not just on you to make things work, and it’s not only on you that it ends.

Put your needs first.

Hurting shouldn’t be seen as a competition. It might be painful for your partner to experience losing you too, but his or her pain isn’t more important than what you’re going through.

It is okay to feel the need to put your needs first, and that doesn’t make you a selfish person. If being in this relationship is painful and doesn’t serve your needs, you have every single right to let it go. It’s also okay to admit that you might be having a hard time now. It’s also okay to ask for help. If you’re too ashamed to do so or you simply don’t know where to go, you can try working on yourself in the comfort of your own home. A good way to start is to read “The Breakup Workbook“, by Kendra Allen, which will guide you through advice and exercise throughout the process!

If you found this article useful, then you also need to check: 9 High Divorce Rate States You Might Want to Avoid

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