One of the advantages of being married is adding a roster of new family members to the lineup. Well, now you have not one, but two sets of overbearing, neurotic parents you need to kindly explain what the metaverse is and which input of the remote they have to press to watch Netflix. Yay!

The truth is that merging families can represent a true clash of civilizations. “Does your family have Thanksgiving dinner every year, and we always have to attend?” might be a regular question. Chances are, things were more than fine and dandy before you two decided to officialize it, but now that his mom is your literal “mother-in-law,” things might get a bit more complicated.

While you can also handle MIL’s quips about the way you pamper your dog, there are some moments that are just completely out of line. No, you’re not bonkers. Here are a couple of things your mother-in-law should never say to you.

I will always be his number one

Donna might have said it after just a couple of glasses of Chardonnay. However, you woke up the next morning still quite rattled. Why? Well, because it’s not okay to hear that. You might always love and respect your mother-in-law, but this doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to accept that things have changed. And anyway, who says that? It’s such a nasty thing to say! Since you and your significant other have started a new family unit, now it’s YOU who comes first. Go to sleep, Donna.

You definitely married up!

Well, excuse me, but is your last name, Windsor or Kennedy? If not, why would your mother-in-law be so caught up in believing that it must be her ginormous legacy that you’re after? In this scenario, it’s worth keeping the socio-economic class designations at the door, where they belong.

However, if Donna insists on always circling back to her tax bracket, then you might want to ask your spouse to have a discussion with her. After all, neither of you married up or down. You married each other.

You weren’t raised properly

Wow. This is not only a dig at you, but a dig at your family and where you come from. Whether you wish to create a carbon copy of your childhood in your marriage or if you simply confided in your mother-in-law that you would rather try her family’s way of life, using such a sensitive background as artillery is not just mean, but also cruel.

I brought up 3 children, so I definitely know what’s best for your children

Your mother-in-law did raise three children, one of whom you have married. All right..but as their parent, you are the one who knows what’s best for your children. So if you ever hear something along the lines of “I know better,” say to her thanks but not thanks. Sometimes, unsolicited advice is not wanted.

You were a lot skinnier when you walked down the aisle

You can easily read between the lines, and now you understand why she has been forwarding you all those Keto and Whole30 recipes. This is so hurtful, and again, very mean. But if Donna caries deeply about your appearance, this says more about her own idea of what makes someone happy and fulfilled. If she doesn’t cut it out, feel free to filter her email address to spam.

So when am I getting grandchildren?

Let me guess: Donna bit her tongue long enough before the question exploded off her lips last Christmas. Subtle much? Someone needs to tell Donna that this is a conversation strictly between a couple. To fend off more versions of this question, you need to respond to it accordingly: “It’s a big decision, and when we are ready to include you in it, we will.”

Is something wrong with the baby factory?

If you currently experience infertility or miscarriage or going through an IVF treatment, this type of question is basically a knife to the heart. In all honestly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about your or your partner’s reproductive health.

However, for the sake of self-preservation, it’s fairly important that you or your partner step in and stop this continuous and annoying line of questions. We would recommend a formal sit-down in the near future.

I’m honestly surprised you are still working

When Donna offered to step in for child care, you took her up on it. After all, you did need some help. However, since she started helping out, she keeps prodding you about quitting your job! After all, that’s basically what she did when she had your now-husband. Does she want you to stop working so she can stop babysitting? What exactly is she getting at? Donna is not that easy to crack, but you can still shut her down by simply saying “Stop commenting about my work. It seems as if you have a problem with the way I live my life.

Getting along with your mother-in-law

Make sure you’re still polite and respectful. Moreover, get to really know your mother-in-law, then see if you can find any common ground. For instance, if you both love gardening and landscaping, you need to share that activity and work together in the yard.

If you live far apart and you only see each other over holidays, the relationship might be a bit strained because you don’t get to spend a lot of time together. Seeing each other could help.

The psychology behind such a relationship

When it comes to the psychology behind this type of relationship, you should remember that your attachment style might have been shaped by your early relationships. For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might struggle with intimacy, which could further color your behavior and emotional response to your mother-in-law. Common complaints from wives focus on their mother-in-law’s criticism and, naturally, unsolicited advice.

You should bear in mind that her suggestions might stem from a place of good intentions (of course, not the examples mentioned above; those are just nasty).

How to deal with conflict

As soon as a child is born, it’s quite common for a mother-in-law to help with childcare. There’s a study focused on mother-in-law childcare and perinatal depression in rural Pakistan. Researchers discovered that at three months postpartum when the mother-in-law stepped in and provided the minimum amount of childcare, the daughter-in-law had a lower incident of depression, no matter the family conflict. However, at 12 months postpartum, if there is any ongoing family conflict, even if the mother-in-law provides a high level of childcare, the daughter-in-law exhibits increased perinatal depression.

Disagreements are fairly normal in any relationship, but your mother-in-law might have a very different conflict resolution style than you. Maybe she just avoids conflict at all costs. Maybe you would rather confront a problem head-on and talk about it until it’s resolved.

As soon as you notice there’s a different style, you can finally move forward. Brush up on conflict resolution mistakes such as becoming defensive, blaming each other, and even issuing character attacks.

You should do your best to work on negotiating a middle ground with her. Cognitive reframing also implies changing negative thought patterns. Applying this technique will help you view conflicts with your mother-in-law in a more positive light.

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