Statistics generally vary when it comes to couples who get back together after a period of separation or even divorce. According to this research, between 10-15% of couples decide to reconcile after separation. But only about 6% of couples actually go on to re-marry each other after divorce.
Out of those who actually do re-marry, around 30% go on to divorce a second time. It’s a bit funny at this point, let’s face it. Since the divorce rate for second marriages surpasses 60%, the lower rate shows that the renewed marriage is much stronger than it was before the divorce. But we felt like this topic deserves more debating, so let’s see what’s there to unpack!
How divorcees decide to remarry each other
Well, according to family law attorney Jamie Kurtz, the most common reason couples decide to reunite is that they recognize and resolve the issue that plagued their marriage in the first place. After all, if something didn’t work out in your marriage, it meant that something needed to change.
Otherwise, it can’t work out the second time around either. If an issue is resolved, whether it’s lack of intimacy or continuous financial stress, couples do get a second chance. However, issues like substance abuse, neglect in the marriage, overfocus on a career, or loneliness caused by lack of attention from your significant other—all these are issues that could be solved with a commitment to family therapy and intentional changes at home.
If finances have been a serious stressor, the non-working partner could decide to pursue a job. A person with addiction might decide to commit to sobriety or seek treatment. Also, a partner who neglected their spouse for a prolonged period of time might reduce his work schedule.
For instance, let’s take Ted as an example. Ted had been to rehab many times. However, he relapsed after a couple of months when he didn’t follow through with his treatment plan. He also didn’t like the idea of going to AA, and he kept on partying with his old drinking buddies after work.
Angie, his wife, after numerous considerations, decided to divorce him and limit Ted’s access to his children, especially after Ted refused to submit to random drug testing.
Naturally, Ted was crazy about his children, and he later admitted that losing them was his ultimate wake-up call. “I suppose that Angie’s threats to leave weren’t bottom enough. The bottom just seemed to keep on dropping.” Ted worked really hard to maintain his sobriety, and after plenty of months of AA meetings, he asked Angie to go to counseling with him.
Ted worked relentlessly to rebuild Angie’s trust while also undergoing the 12 steps of his AA program. Ultimately, they remarried each other and now Ted is 12 years sober. “I don’t even plan to have a drink at my daughter’s wedding.”
In such a scenario, there are multiple ways to go about it. If the couple also has kids, they might have more incentive to make the changes in order to reconcile. Alternatively, some couples might stay married or remarry each other if they also share a business.
Since relapsing into old, negative, or even destructive habits is quite common, couples should aim to commit to working on their relationship, learning, as well as improving communication skills, as well as setting aside time to focus on each other.
Alternatively, some couples might remarry each other after continuously working through the trauma of a betrayal. This generally requires plenty of work in certain areas around apology and forgiveness. The underlying contributing causes of such betrayal are also fairly important to work through.
Others get back together simply because they still have deep romantic feelings toward each other, no matter what went wrong in their marriage. They work very hard to let go of any past wounds and prioritize strengthening their bond by listening, compromising, apologizing, and forgiving.
Logan, on the other hand, felt very lonely in his marriage. Naturally, the fact that his wife withdrew from him sexually didn’t help. In fact, it only worsened the situation. As time went by he became more frustrated and angry at her perpetual rejection of his advances and became involved with a co-worker.
His wife, Lucy, was withdrawn because she felt invisible in the relationship. Her point of view was fairly different: Logan rarely came home early enough to have dinner with her and the kids, and her pleas were often seen by Logan as nagging.
As you can imagine, it became a “tit-for-tat” situation, each of them punishing the other. Logan by avoiding coming home, and Lucy by withholding sex. After many years of personal and couple therapy, Lucky and Logan managed to overcome their difficulties and get back together.
Studies have shown that up to 60% of people who are going through a divorce process are open to reconciliation at some point. Reconciliation during the divorce process is way more common and less challenging than marrying your ex after the divorce is over. But it is still needed to commit to resolving the problems that brought you to the whole divorce process.
Alternatively, Tracy didn’t wish to divorce. She hoped that choosing an out-of-court collaborative divorce process would somehow open a way to repair her marriage. At first, her husband, Jason, showed very little interest in rekindling their relationship. Working with various divorce coaches, they all agreed to pause their divorce proceedings and allow six months of private therapy before.
While in therapy, Jason worked through early sexual abuse at the hands of his mother and later confessed to Tracy that he had a deep-seated fear since he was a child close to a woman. When they came back to the couple’s therapy office months later, each of them read a letter to the other, outlining their expectations and hopes for their marriage.
They also committed to continue couples counseling for another six months while also strengthening their marriage. Jason later shared that it is funny how the concept of divorce managed to wake him up to the realization that he still wants it to work.
Do you ponder over the idea of remarrying your ex?
According to blogger Sophia Harris, “If you still have the desire to give your heart to your spouse for life and you also possess the ability to forget and forgive, you might be in fact right for a lost and found love.” More often than not, if you still love someone even after you have divorced and separated from them, it might reveal a true commitment and dedication to another person, which is not that easy to find.
When you find someone who feels as committed and as dedicated to you even after going through the entire process of divorce, you should probably consider reconciliation. As it turns out, it’s not that often to love and be loved like this, and once you find such a rare and profound connection, it’s worth pursuing it and changing your ways for the benefit of the family.
If you found this article useful, we also recommend checking: 6 Reasons Why Your Man Won’t Sleep With You Tonight
13 Romantic Things Women Secretly Want (but Will NEVER Tell)
5 Love Stories That Will Make You Regain Your Faith in Romance
[…] Read next: Many Divorced Partners Go Back to Each Other: Here’s Why! […]