6. Using Contempt and Sarcasm
Of all the negative communication patterns, renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identifies contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts you on a higher ground than your partner. It’s a form of disrespect that conveys disgust. It says, “I am better than you.”
Contempt can be overt, like name-calling (“You’re an idiot”) or hostile humor. But it’s often more subtle: a sneer, an eye-roll, a sarcastic tone of voice. Sarcasm, in particular, is often a socially acceptable way to express contempt. When you say, “Wow, great job remembering to take out the trash,” with a sarcastic sneer, the message is not one of praise but of mockery.
For a husband, contempt is the ultimate poison. It communicates a fundamental lack of respect and admiration. It attacks his sense of worth within the relationship more deeply than anything else. When he feels that his wife holds him in contempt, he will shut down not just for a moment, but potentially for good. It’s incredibly difficult to remain emotionally open and vulnerable with someone who you believe looks down on you. The wall he builds is a defense against this profound emotional wound.
A Mini-Example
He tells a story about a mistake he made at work. Instead of offering support, you roll your eyes and say, “Seriously? I’m not surprised. You always miss the details.”
The eye-roll and the dismissive comment are pure contempt. You have just communicated that you see him as incompetent and predictable in his failures. The conversation is over. He will likely not share his work vulnerabilities with you again for a very long time.
What to Try Instead: Build a Culture of Appreciation
The antidote to contempt is actively building a culture of respect and appreciation. This means intentionally looking for the good in your partner and expressing it. It means treating each other with the same kindness and courtesy you would offer a friend.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have disagreements. It means that even when you’re angry, you strive to remain respectful. A key skill here is the repair attempt. A repair is any action or statement that tries to de-escalate tension and get the conversation back on track.
A script for a repair attempt:
“I’m sorry, that eye-roll was disrespectful and uncalled for. I’m feeling really frustrated right now, but I want to talk about this without being nasty. Can we start over?”
By taking responsibility for the contemptuous behavior and reaffirming your respect for him as a person, you can begin to repair the damage. Consistently choosing appreciation over contempt is one of the most important pieces of long-term marriage advice you can ever receive. It is the foundation upon which all other communication skills are built.
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