As we all know, married life works in stages. Before children, with children, your nest gets emptier, and then you retire together. All these new stages require some sort of reorganization of the relationship and sometimes, it can lead to a breakdown.

The introduction of pension sharing in divorce made it easier for wives to separate if they wished to, and also secure a more predictable and comfortable income of their own, rather than depending on their spouse’s income.

Since we all get to live longer and maintain good health, the prospect of a long retirement with someone you no longer want to spend your life with becomes increasingly unattractive.

The beginning of the end

“I thought we’d be together forever” some might say. If you are one of these people and now you’re lured to do a complete one-eighty, we get you. You might have started feeling that ever since you and your spouse started spending more time together, the spark is gone.

They might prefer staying indoors and watching TV every night, while you might want to go out and about. Or the other way around, why not? In 40 years, you get to try all kinds of things and test new ways of living.

According to a 2017 ONS study, overall divorce rates are decreasing in America, falling 28% between 2005 and 2015. On the same note, older people seem to be bucking the trend, with an increasing number of men divorcing at 65+ and going up by 23% and, for women in the same threshold, 38%.

“Grey” divorce has become a well-known phrase in the US, and it refers to the demographic that’s divorcing as soon as they retire and who have been in longstanding marriages. Many of them lasted for 40 years or even longer. Besides drifting apart, what makes a couple separate after all this time?

Why is there an increase in divorce rates?

Rediscovering a partner after you retire is one of the main reasons for divorce later in life. Many people who decide to divorce are over 65 years old. People this age often have plenty of opportunities and time to re-evaluate their lives.

The reaction to divorce at this age can be quite polarised, and quite often with one half wanting the divorce and a new life and the other half feeling completely devastated of being abandoned. In reality, it can be pretty overwhelming for both parties.

I mean, it’s an entire ordeal: the thought of starting all over again, finding someone new, and possibly ending up alone. As soon as the initial shock passes, many people find the divorce in later life a great release, marking new beginnings and offering up brand new opportunities.

A surge of independence

An increase in later-life divorces might also be down to wives being more financially capable of taking care of themselves these days. While before, women were tied forever to their other halves because they didn’t have any means of managing on their own, that’s definitely not the case anymore.

Deciding to separate is now easier, especially once children are all grown up and settled down with their own families. Even if a sudden breakup of elderly parents might come as a shock to their offspring and grandchildren, it’s much easier than divorcing when the kids are still growing up.

When kids are involved, even if they’re adults, it can be quite difficult. It’s very important for the couple to work out a certain narrative about what’s happened, and have all the answers in place. Then, the children of the divorcing couple might feel less anxious about the situation.

Health and wellbeing

Sometimes, better health is seen as another reason for divorce later in life. It sounds strange, right? 70 is definitely the new 50 nowadays, especially since increasingly more people over 65 claim they don’t even feel old.

Moreover, most of them are fitter and healthier than their parents at the same age. The entire “wellness culture” brings along with it an expectation that life should bring you joy and that you should do something simply because you love it, not out of a sense of duty.

Longer life = more opportunities

And since we’re here, we wonder: could the increase in older people preferring new relationships be due to living longer? After all, fifty years ago, an average man might expect to live to 69 and a woman to 74. Nowadays, a man aged 55 has an average life expectancy of 84, but there’s one in four chance he will live until 92.

For a woman the same age, the average life expectancy is 87, with a one in four chance of living to 94 and a one in 10 chance of living to 98. Many years ago, people didn’t even dream of starting over on their own.

Nowadays, most 65-year-olds can easily see themselves enjoying a new lease of life. No one really expects a person to live in the same place or do the same job for 60 years. Nowadays, in some ways, it’s not expected for a couple to stay in a relationship for that long, especially if the relationship has run its course.

There’s no shame in divorce

Do you know what else has changed? Divorce isn’t as taboo as it once was. When today’s retirees first got married, many of them as far back as the 70s, marriage was seen as a forever thing and divorce was severely frowned upon.

Nowadays, it’s just another fact of life, as people separate for all sorts of reasons and without any judgment. As a society, we tend to stigmatize divorce, but with overall divorce rates at 42%, it’s nothing but a fact of life.

Despite a noticeable increase in statistics, it’s quite hard to find people who are happy to talk about their decision to separate in retirement. There’s still plenty of shame residue out there in people’s minds.

Others might experience a certain sense of failure in divorcing after all these years. According to chartered psychologist and author Dr. Audrey Tang, it’s not too uncommon to feel this way. “Acknowledge you are hurting” she advised, “and don’t feel as if you have to put on a brave face.

Also, don’t pretend to be sad just because it’s what others expect.” For now, there hasn’t been too much research done on the subject, especially because grey divorces are quite new. Even if it can happen at any age, a positive outlook is mandatory if you’re going through a break-up. This new phase is the final chapter in some people’s romantic lives, and it’s definitely one that might be for the best.

How to deal with divorce in retirement

• talk to a therapist – it’s fairly important to talk to someone impartial during the course of a breakup, no matter the age. Before you part ways, make sure you thank each other for everything you’ve done.
• take your time – No matter how short you think life is, it’s a decent thing to move slowly through this difficult period.
• present the news to your adult children as a shared decision – Explain calmly that the relationship isn’t working anymore, and that there won’t be any drama. Have your answers with you and prepare for a series of uncomfortable questions. It’s only fair to happen this way.

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