It somehow does defy logic to hear that you need to fight with your spouse, but believe me, it is needed! Sometimes I found that it was better to have these fights before you marry someone, so you know you are on the same page. They’re tried and true! Through my two marriages, these fights saved me a lot of headaches when it came to communicating with my partner!
What if we told you sometimes it is good to fight with your partner?
Yes, we know how weird it sounds to tell someone that sometimes it is good to fight with your spouse. Yet, while some will come and say they never even argue with their partner, it is almost impossible for that to be true. Every couple fights, whether they have just gotten out of their honeymoon phase or have been married for over 30 years! But what do these fights tell us, and which ones are the ones that are constructive and which ones are just plain destructive?
To help you answer this question, we have gathered some of the best fights you can have with your significant other and discussed how they can be productive and beneficial for your relationship. It is not what you fight about, but how you resolve the issue and communicate that will demonstrate how you can have a strong relationship that will not crumble because of a silly fight along the way because resentment built up.
Let us know which fights have helped your relationship in the comments below!
The money fight
Yep, we went there. You should make sure you know how you will end up approaching finances as a couple. Everyone has their own way of dealing with money, and when you combine your earnings, you must plan how you will do so. This goes all the way from how you will be splitting up expenses to how you will be traveling together, even down to the small things like whether you will be getting takeout coffee every morning or making it at home and investing in a good tumbler.
The idea is that this fight should never end up being too frequent, and you should never attack the other person when it comes down to this. After all, it could not be about whether or not you can afford the item or the experience you are talking about; it is actually a fight that involves everyone’s individual values when you look at the core of it.
It can start small and then escalate, and if it is not about budgeting and whether you can afford certain things or not, then it could be about a fear that your partner or even you have. People who are scared of losing their nest egg or have had financial hardship have a harder time spending money on things they consider trivial. It doesn’t mean that you or your partner are wrong, no matter on which side of the argument you find yourself.
It just means that you should sit down to have a conversation about this and be honest when you talk. That way you can gain the perspective of the other person, and you can also discuss certain habits either of you has that may not be the best, and together you can find a way to move forward so money does not end up creating huge issues in your relationship.
How well you express your anger
Depending on how you grew up and what you saw your parents do, you may have very different ways in which you express your anger in your relationship. This can go all the way to how you perceive screaming and how you internalize fights and arguments with your partner. This is why you should be upfront with your spouse, and ever since the first argument you have, you should discuss how you want to go about these things.
Consider this: If you come from a household where no one ever raised their voice and they come from one where they are comfortable talking in a raised voice to get all their frustration out and then talk about it, your relationship is bound to be tense. All of this is because you deal with things differently. To make sure you don’t end up in explosive, blown-out-of-proportion arguments, make sure you discuss things with your partner so you can resolve things in a way that works for you both when you get angry (because it is bound to happen; don’t lie to yourself).
Therapists suggest you try your best to stay calm and walk away from arguments when you feel yourself getting angry after you have communicated that you are angry and need time. Then you convene again when you are no longer angry and discuss what happened when you were calm. Arguing when you are angry is never a good thing, and having such fights can be detrimental in the long run.
So don’t shy away from this fight, and communicate how to navigate getting angry with your spouse before you end up throwing things and words around.
Communication is actually the number one reason why couples fight in America! This is why I recommend you read this book, so you can learn how to communicate more efficiently!
Generally speaking, there should be a general understanding between you two about how you are going to divide the work around the house. And, no, having one person do nearly everything is not the way to go. After all, you are in a functional and happy relationship, and everyone should be helping around the house. This looks different for everyone, and you can discuss this within the bounds of your marriage, but it should be something you discuss before it escalates.
The first “who didn’t wash the dishes?” fight you have should be the last one. There are a lot of things that can interfere with the clear chore schedule you may have set up, but when one party is not doing what they said they would, it becomes an issue, and you can end up really angry with the other person.
Just make sure it doesn’t get there and keep your word when you say you are going to do something. Likewise, hold your spouse accountable when they do not do what they promised. It’s not going to be the end of the world if you divide chores.
The role of family
This is one of those fights that is better to have sooner than later because it can cause some pretty deep-rooted resentment, even if you do not realize it is happening. After all, having family all over your house and in your space may not be the best thing for your family. same with their involvement in your relationships. Whether you’ve recently moved in together or have been married for a while, you know how important this topic is and how quickly it can become heated.
Let’s put it this way: you can hate how your mother-in-law keeps picking the worst times to call, especially when she knows you are doing something like having dinner or going out. And your spouse can hate that you have relatives and even parents coming over almost unannounced, only for them to inform you that they’re going to be staying for a few days. If you guys keep simmering over the fact that you hate these behaviors and unannounced visits, it can easily turn into resentment.
Not to mention, it can also escalate into even bigger fights that are not even related. Do not let these things turn into something that will drive you guys apart. You two may have different ideas over what is actually acceptable and what is not, but you can find a middle ground if you have this “fight.” The best way to go about it is to not end up attacking the other person and their family since this can turn into a screaming match very easily.
Talk about what you both are comfortable with and find the middle ground; then draw the lines with your families as well. It is important to have people respect your private space and not have your home turn into a hotel for unannounced relatives.
However, fights are never pleasant if they escalate past the ones we have mentioned! And while there is nothing world-breaking to fighting with your spouse, it can be hard to reconcile afterward, especially if you lost your temper and said some hurtful words! Reads all about the best ways in which you can reconcile after a fight here!